Operation Caffeination

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Dreary days

with 3 comments

I hear about people who get depressed and insecure and they start starving themselves. They stay home. They wither and fade and eventually commit suicide.

I, on the other hand, eat. I march myself outside and snap at rude high school boys and give scuzzy old drunk men the eye. I get bigger and ballsier and tougher until I start to believe that the bad stuff is behind me and that I’ve won, I’ve beat depression on my own through sheer determination mixed with a generous helping of chutzpah. I AM THE CHAMPION.

In reality, though, I never really win. I have good days and bad days, but the bad days have been the norm for me since 1998 and it doesn’t seem like that’s likely to change. And if I am ever going to accomplish anything beyond just not killing myself, I am going to need to turn that around. And I know that I can’t do it on my own…but who does one turn to for help?


Written by GRSeim

April 26, 2012 at 9:59 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Wish I knew what to tell you. I pretty much cycle between despondency and hopelessness into the rage-y bravado, shit-can’t-touch-me attitude. Our insurance won’t cover therapy, so I’ve been going to lots of different events and activity things at our UU fellowship in hopes of hitting on something that helps – I feel like if I can cultivate and maintain a regular spiritual practice, I’ll be able to keep myself on a more even keel. So far nothing’s sticking, though.


    April 27, 2012 at 1:33 am

  2. 😦

    I don’t have any advice. I just want to let you know that you’re not alone and that there are others (like me) who feel the same way you do. I know it’s not much, but maybe you’ll feel a bit less alone.


    April 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm

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